Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
