My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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