i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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