God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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