We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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