New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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