Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
