I think I died a long time ago.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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