I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
