I wish they made helmets for livers.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
