Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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