Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
