and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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