my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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