I haven't been this sober since birth.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
