I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
