did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
