remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
