Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Boobs are out for the taking
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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