I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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