don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
