Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
