I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
