my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
