I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
