I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
