I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
