My liver just broke up with me...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
