you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
