Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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