By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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