at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
