You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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