apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
