I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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