well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Randomize
