I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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