Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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