just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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