i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
