I just cut my nipple shaving
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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