I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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