Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
