my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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