no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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