that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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