You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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