I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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