genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
