who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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